ARI SHAPIRO, HOST:
Dealing with cancer and its aftermath is never easy, and men tend to fare worse, emotionally and physically. NPR's Yuki Noguchi explores why as part of her series Life After Diagnosis.
YUKI NOGUCHI, BYLINE: It's been over seven years, so Benjamin Stein-Lobovits is now able to crack dad jokes about the inoperable brain cancer diagnosis he got on the eve of his 32nd birthday.
BENJAMIN STEIN-LOBOVITS: I like to say that I turned 30-tumor.
NOGUCHI: But at the time, he was devastated. Stein-Lobovits spent a year sobbing and immobilized by loss and fear.
STEIN-LOBOVITS: You feel so beat up and powerless. It's such a shock to your ego, your sense of being. You know, as a man, I could totally see not wanting to show that side.
NOGUCHI: The emasculation, he says, felt complete. He'd given up his Silicon Valley programming job and relied heavily on his wife. He became a stay-at-home dad to his young girls in Oakland. But the grape-size Stage 4 tumor and ongoing treatment for it makes him shaky.
STEIN-LOBOVITS: Everything is a little bit harder, like texting, emailing. I have balance issues, walking. Short-term memory loss is huge for me. So much of cancer and everything is the loss of the self and loss of control. That's probably the hardest thing.
NOGUCHI: Evidence shows men tend not to cope well with cancer. They isolate more, seek less support and, alarmingly, die earlier. James Hu, an oncologist with the University of Southern California, sees it all the time. Female patients usually come to appointments with support people.
JAMES HU: Male patients - they come by themselves, they get their therapy, and they're out of here.
NOGUCHI: Hu says research shows men under 40 are at highest risk of suicide among cancer survivors.
HU: In fact, the highest risk seems to be way out beyond the initial year or two of treatment.
NOGUCHI: In other words, their mental health continues deteriorating years after treatment. Benjamin Stein-Lobovits understands why. Parenting, for example, fills him with joy and purpose, but it also spotlights his limitations when he forgets kids' dentist appointments or groceries to buy. He then feels guilty for the extra burden that places on his wife.
STEIN-LOBOVITS: Because for her, it's so hard to separate what's just regular forgetfulness, what's chemo brain, what's just being a tired parent. Where can she push on me?
NOGUCHI: Trevor Maxwell says cancer reordered his rules in the world, too. He comes from generations who split their own firewood in Maine. Stage 4 colon cancer stole that strength and independence.
TREVOR MAXWELL: I struggled with crippling anxiety and depression. I struggled with deep shame.
NOGUCHI: His wife and daughters eventually persuaded him to join support groups, where he met mostly women and almost no men.
MAXWELL: In my mind, it comes down to cultural norms and conditioning. There are thousands of guys out there just like me who felt devastated, but they are just too proud, angry, ashamed or depressed to seek it out.
NOGUCHI: So five years ago, Maxwell, who remains in treatment, started Man Up to Cancer. The group posts outreach, online groups and retreats for male survivors.
MAXWELL: And we've got a lot of people who do traditionally masculine jobs, like truck drivers, and then they're also coming to our Zoom meetings. And they're not afraid to cry there, and they're not afraid to say, I love you to the other guys in our group. That's the culture change that we're seeking.
NOGUCHI: Across the country in Oakland, Benjamin Stein-Lobovits carries a similar message to male patients he meets.
STEIN-LOBOVITS: It's OK to be scared. It's OK to be vocal about being scared, and it's OK to get help for being scared.
NOGUCHI: Words he once needed to hear.
Yuki Noguchi, NPR News.
SHAPIRO: And for many other stories of cancer survivorship in our series Life After Diagnosis, visit npr.org. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.
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