Dear Life Kit is NPR's advice column, where experts answer tricky questions about relationships, social etiquette, work culture and more.
Have a question you want to ask Dear Life Kit anonymously? Share it here. For our next episode, we're looking for your queries on doubt and decision-making in relationships.
These questions were answered by Wendy De La Rosa, a behavioral scientist and an assistant professor of marketing at the Wharton School at the University of Pennsylvania, and Katie Gatti Tassin, host of The Money with Katie Show and author of the book Rich Girl Nation. The conversation has been edited for length and clarity.
Dear Life Kit,
I'm an auntie to 18 nieces and nephews. My sisters say it's unfair I only buy presents for some of them. I'm doing well financially, but gifts for 18 nieces and nephews add up. I don't have strong bonds with all of my siblings, and it's the same with my nieces and nephews, most of whom are teenagers. — Mutual investment required
Gatti Tassin: I'm assuming this is about birthday gifts, but there are also the holidays. So, theoretically, if everybody is getting a present, that's 36 presents a year. I think that is unreasonable.
It's natural in big families to have closer relationships with some people than others. There are other ways you can acknowledge someone's birthday or a holiday without feeling like you need to shell out money. Maybe it's sending a birthday card.
De La Rosa: Money is just a symptom of the core issue, which is someone asking for closeness and connection. Your siblings are saying, "Hey, I want you to love my children in the same way you love our other siblings' children. How can we become closer?"
I would ask the letter writer to think about her values. How do you want these children to feel? Do you want to be a significant part of their lives? If the answer is yes, think about creative ways you can show up for your nieces and nephews that don't leave you in financial ruin.
Can you organize a family gathering where you can give all the children an awesome memory? That would go such a long way.
Gatti Tassin: Questions like these are often relationship challenges masquerading as money challenges.
Dear Life Kit,
My dear friend was recently diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer at 35. We've been close friends for years. She and her spouse are underemployed and uninsured. The cost of treatment is her biggest stressor, and the systems to help her are moving more slowly than the fast-moving cancer.
I'm frustrated with my friend for not having insurance, but I'm also grateful to be in a financial position to help her. I'm trying to decide how much money to give her, but when I try to measure my friend's life against my daily comforts and future plans for my savings, I feel like I'm putting a price tag on her life. How do I decide how much of my savings to keep for myself and how much to gift my friend? — Budgeting for bestie
Gatti Tassin: It's unfair that you're all going through this, and it's unfair that our policymakers have put people in the position to have to make these types of trade-offs when someone's life is on the line.
Without insurance, a Stage 4 cancer diagnosis in the United States is probably going to be hundreds of thousands, if not millions of dollars in some extreme cases, to treat out-of-pocket. So unless that is the level of financial stability you're dealing with, she will most likely need to find another solution.
De La Rosa: I have a very close friend who is dealing with a cancer diagnosis, and having been through this for a year now, I would say one of the most impactful things you can do is figure out how to bring joy into your friend's life.
Think about how to spend money in a way that could bring her comfort. Can you create a memorable experience for her before she has to go through another round of chemo? That's where I would channel the attention.
Gatti Tassin: The other thing I would add is that navigating the U.S. health care system can feel like a full-time job. When you have a major health event, having someone who can play that "medical secretary" role for you and help you stay on top of things can be a godsend.
If your friend has not yet tried to get on Medicaid, I think that is a path worth pursuing. That is a practical way to help her out, and it could end up having a big financial impact.
It might also give her some peace of mind that things aren't slipping through the cracks and she's not going through that process alone.
Dear Life Kit,
I'm in my late 20s, and I still live with my parents. I have a full-time job, and I've finally scrounged up enough money to move out.
My parents are terrible with money. They make six times my salary, but constantly overdraft their accounts. They still talk to me like I'm 16, but then they ask me to bail them out, which I've done many times. Now they're trying to guilt me into staying instead of finally getting my own place. What should I do? — Desperate to divest
De La Rosa: Think about things you can do [financially for your parents] that fall within your boundaries. That might mean covering the electricity or mobile phone bill. It's a way of saying "I'm not leaving you. I care about you. I'm so thankful for everything you've done. But it's time for me to move out, and I can help you in this way."
Gatti Tassin: You mentioned they make a lot more money than you do. I'm curious, is this a financial literacy problem? If so, maybe you hire someone to help teach them how to manage their money.
De La Rosa: As you're preparing to have this conversation with your parents, be solidified in that however your parents show up, it's not your responsibility. Our parents' mistakes are not our mistakes.
Maybe the conversation will go great. Maybe it won't. As long as you feel like you're doing something that's important to you, and that you're trying to show up from a place of love, then it's OK.
The podcast episode was produced by Andee Tagle. The digital story was edited by Malaka Gharib. The visual editor is Beck Harlan. We'd love to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823, or email us at LifeKit@npr.org.
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